Sometimes It Takes a Dentist

Tags

cavities, cost, dentist, frustration, humor, insurance, life, memories, money, pain, root canal, thoughts, time, waiting too long

Nine years ago I went to the dentist, before that I had gone every six months since I can remember.  I was 18 and the kid in the partition next to me had just gone to college.  He hadn’t been gone a year and the dental hygienist berated him for having a multitude of cavities.

“What have you been doing over there in Colorado, eating only candy and soda?”

The kid tried to answer but all that came out was “masdhhhhsdaf hhh gffff.” And spit.

“You are lying; you have clearly changed your diet.”

“masdhhhhsdaf hhh gffff.”

“Excuses, excuses.”  She said louder still so everyone could hear.

 

That one instance has kept me away from dentists for the past nine years, I know that my teeth are jacked; that I have cavities that have been in my mouth since three months after I started college, but the thought of hearing them tell me over and over how poorly I have taken care of my teeth makes me want to flip out.

 

I have been nursing one cavity since I can remember, he started out small and now he is a rather large hole in one of my teeth.  Because of him I have been chewing on the right side of my mouth which has actually jacked up more teeth on my left side,; who would have thought eating stuff (like vegetables) makes the cavities actually stay away?  Like a natural tooth brush, I have read.

 

Tomorrow my cavity and I will have a new type of relationship, he will either be a “whole tooth” with a silver filling, or worse there will be an entirely fake white tooth put in its place.  I am not looking forward to this at all.

I told my Mom I might need a root canal, she was a dental assistant for years, the look on her face read utter disappointment… so I decided to leave out the fact that they might just have to pull old holey and build a tooth looking shrine in his memory.

 

I am writing this to calm my nerves; this morning when I called for an appointment I told the very kind receptionist, I might have an abscess tooth.  “Oh that is not good!  We will set up the appointment for 7am tomorrow.”  Crap, of course I have gotten to the point where it is a big deal.  I strategically waited until I had insurance, which is another large reason why I did not go to the dentist and now that I do, I have no idea what is covered and what isn’t, but the thought of dying because I decided it wasn’t worth whatever it is going to cost to fix, just seems stupid.

 

My headstone would read…

Dumbass Redhead Lays Here:

She thought she could ignore the pain.

She thought it would all just go away.

Her Mother was a teacher and once a dental assistant.

But she died because of tooth decay.

 

At the very least I will be able to drink Dr. Pepper again without feeling like, this might be the time that tips me over to root canal land. Wish holey and I luck.

–                        Maybe it will look as pretty as this!

Empty Shell of a Person

Tags

depressed, fear, health, heartbreak, honest, life, love, memories, mental-health, pain, relationship, relationships, sex

I lay in bed, the sun beating on my face through the blinds, which I had closed as tightly as possible so as to eliminate the rays; to engulf myself with darkness late that afternoon.  I sat up almost angry that I had been shaken from my slumber by Mother Nature’s Wrath, the wretched sun.  Why couldn’t that day have been overcast?  I walked out into the living room, black as a cave; the air was dormant and perfect.

I contemplated making food, but hunger I had none.  The day, as any other day dragged on and on, all I wanted to do was sleep.  Await the return of my love to bask in the terror that was our day to day life.

 

I was so unhappy, but swimming in it, that life that was drowning me, I couldn’t see.  I was holding myself prisoner to an existence that I had no business being involved in, much less owning.

The woman in the mirror wasn’t me.  She was a shell of a once beautiful creature that vied for the attention of many men with the best of em’.  Most still saw me, the me inside, but most didn’t matter, only I mattered.  Often I wouldn’t wear makeup, to look on the outside how I felt on the inside; ugly, worn out, useless, and boring.

The majority had no idea, I had so many fooled into thinking I was genuinely happy, they didn’t know of the life I lead behind closed doors.  I even fooled myself into thinking I was happy; I was a child playing an adult’s game.   A bird with a clipped wing, I had pulled out all my feathers and waited for natural selection to take its course.  Yet still I lived; unhappy, inhuman, unchanging, unwilling to accept that this was not normal.

I am honestly not sure what caused this despair; the brain injury, the tremulous relationship, moving so far from my family, loving another so entirely and forgiving him for wrong doings when in reality I knew I would never do anything so deplorable to another human much less someone I loved, or the constant belittling I endured.  The words he would say burned like acid on my already scalded heart; the one I carry to this day “Sex with you is like vanilla, its ok, but why would anyone choose it over strawberry or chocolate?”

He trapped me and I let him put me on a shelf, for others to look at and never touch.  Look what I have; look what I caught she is perfect, just not enough.

 

This is the first time I have admitted this to anyone even myself, and I honestly feel I ran through the depths of hell to pull myself out and see the person I was meant to be, to see the person that had been killed some time before.  This was not without my freak-out’s, my falls, nor the hearts I demolished along the way.

The first time I saw my face again, honestly saw me again I was in a bathroom at a bar in the middle of nowhere.  “I am so sorry I did this to you.”  I told myself; because regardless of the words, actions, and people I encountered I had done all of it to myself.  I should have walked away, my strength was actually weakness, and I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.