Tags
depressed, fear, health, heartbreak, honest, life, love, memories, mental-health, pain, relationship, relationships, sex
I lay in bed, the sun beating on my face through the blinds, which I had closed as tightly as possible so as to eliminate the rays; to engulf myself with darkness late that afternoon. I sat up almost angry that I had been shaken from my slumber by Mother Nature’s Wrath, the wretched sun. Why couldn’t that day have been overcast? I walked out into the living room, black as a cave; the air was dormant and perfect.
I contemplated making food, but hunger I had none. The day, as any other day dragged on and on, all I wanted to do was sleep. Await the return of my love to bask in the terror that was our day to day life.
I was so unhappy, but swimming in it, that life that was drowning me, I couldn’t see. I was holding myself prisoner to an existence that I had no business being involved in, much less owning.
The woman in the mirror wasn’t me. She was a shell of a once beautiful creature that vied for the attention of many men with the best of em’. Most still saw me, the me inside, but most didn’t matter, only I mattered. Often I wouldn’t wear makeup, to look on the outside how I felt on the inside; ugly, worn out, useless, and boring.
The majority had no idea, I had so many fooled into thinking I was genuinely happy, they didn’t know of the life I lead behind closed doors. I even fooled myself into thinking I was happy; I was a child playing an adult’s game. A bird with a clipped wing, I had pulled out all my feathers and waited for natural selection to take its course. Yet still I lived; unhappy, inhuman, unchanging, unwilling to accept that this was not normal.
I am honestly not sure what caused this despair; the brain injury, the tremulous relationship, moving so far from my family, loving another so entirely and forgiving him for wrong doings when in reality I knew I would never do anything so deplorable to another human much less someone I loved, or the constant belittling I endured. The words he would say burned like acid on my already scalded heart; the one I carry to this day “Sex with you is like vanilla, its ok, but why would anyone choose it over strawberry or chocolate?”
He trapped me and I let him put me on a shelf, for others to look at and never touch. Look what I have; look what I caught she is perfect, just not enough.
This is the first time I have admitted this to anyone even myself, and I honestly feel I ran through the depths of hell to pull myself out and see the person I was meant to be, to see the person that had been killed some time before. This was not without my freak-out’s, my falls, nor the hearts I demolished along the way.
The first time I saw my face again, honestly saw me again I was in a bathroom at a bar in the middle of nowhere. “I am so sorry I did this to you.” I told myself; because regardless of the words, actions, and people I encountered I had done all of it to myself. I should have walked away, my strength was actually weakness, and I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.
-ducksoup- 