Food for Thought: Cheated.

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analogy, blog, blogging, cheating, dating, diary, ex, heartbreak, journal, lies, life, love, relationships, swimming pool, the other woman, truth

The person I love who is supposed to love me,
wants me to stay on the shelf and just look at people
while he goes swimming in a pool of women…
its not their fault they are already in the swimming pool…
its his for jumping in

Empty Shell of a Person

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depressed, fear, health, heartbreak, honest, life, love, memories, mental-health, pain, relationship, relationships, sex

I lay in bed, the sun beating on my face through the blinds, which I had closed as tightly as possible so as to eliminate the rays; to engulf myself with darkness late that afternoon.  I sat up almost angry that I had been shaken from my slumber by Mother Nature’s Wrath, the wretched sun.  Why couldn’t that day have been overcast?  I walked out into the living room, black as a cave; the air was dormant and perfect.

I contemplated making food, but hunger I had none.  The day, as any other day dragged on and on, all I wanted to do was sleep.  Await the return of my love to bask in the terror that was our day to day life.

 

I was so unhappy, but swimming in it, that life that was drowning me, I couldn’t see.  I was holding myself prisoner to an existence that I had no business being involved in, much less owning.

The woman in the mirror wasn’t me.  She was a shell of a once beautiful creature that vied for the attention of many men with the best of em’.  Most still saw me, the me inside, but most didn’t matter, only I mattered.  Often I wouldn’t wear makeup, to look on the outside how I felt on the inside; ugly, worn out, useless, and boring.

The majority had no idea, I had so many fooled into thinking I was genuinely happy, they didn’t know of the life I lead behind closed doors.  I even fooled myself into thinking I was happy; I was a child playing an adult’s game.   A bird with a clipped wing, I had pulled out all my feathers and waited for natural selection to take its course.  Yet still I lived; unhappy, inhuman, unchanging, unwilling to accept that this was not normal.

I am honestly not sure what caused this despair; the brain injury, the tremulous relationship, moving so far from my family, loving another so entirely and forgiving him for wrong doings when in reality I knew I would never do anything so deplorable to another human much less someone I loved, or the constant belittling I endured.  The words he would say burned like acid on my already scalded heart; the one I carry to this day “Sex with you is like vanilla, its ok, but why would anyone choose it over strawberry or chocolate?”

He trapped me and I let him put me on a shelf, for others to look at and never touch.  Look what I have; look what I caught she is perfect, just not enough.

 

This is the first time I have admitted this to anyone even myself, and I honestly feel I ran through the depths of hell to pull myself out and see the person I was meant to be, to see the person that had been killed some time before.  This was not without my freak-out’s, my falls, nor the hearts I demolished along the way.

The first time I saw my face again, honestly saw me again I was in a bathroom at a bar in the middle of nowhere.  “I am so sorry I did this to you.”  I told myself; because regardless of the words, actions, and people I encountered I had done all of it to myself.  I should have walked away, my strength was actually weakness, and I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.