I had the misfortune of meeting Eden last year; the sister of the coworker who never fails to make Shocking Statements on a daily basis. Eden and I immediately got off on the wrong foot, be it that her brother had the hot’s for me, that the ridiculously “hot” available guy at work and I flirt constantly, that I took her place when she no longer wanted the job, or a combination of all that and the fact that she is a hag… we hate one another.
Our distaste is so thick that when faking being polite to one another we fail and become more vicious. I don’t feel that I have ever behaved this way before, just seeing her makes my blood boil; I know I am going to do something ridiculously mean because she coaxes it out of me.
Last year (literally a year, it was April) after working in my current establishment for nearly 5 months, Eden came in to get her brother and drive him to the park that we would all be meeting at to practice for a city wide company v. company volleyball tournament. I have always wanted to work at a place where we formed a team and kicked some major butt, I love team sports. I love sports. I am not GREAT at them but I understand how to do any and all sports and I am sure with practice (and a tooth guard) I could be pretty good at any one of them.
“Before we go, don’t forget to turn off the lights, shut down the phone, hit the extra lock, close the blinds, unplug the tree lights, and set the alarm.” Eden said to me as she and her brother walked out the door. Good thing she told me that, for the past five months I have been standing by the door at close, holding it waiting for us to reopen… staring up at the lights like, if only I could shut those off and lock the door, so that I might be able to go home and see my family again.
Needless to say the comment made me just shy of livid.
At practice I was two people away from Eden in the rotation and for some reason we were on the same (side) “team.” I was dipping and diving for balls left and right, I have never played on sand before and throwing oneself for a ball in soft(ish) sand is much easier than wood. A ball zipped past me, one I knew I didn’t have a chance of stopping and Eden made a comment to herself. Another ball got launched to our side, this time she hit it and it flew really far out of bounds, she grumbled again. Then another serve, nowhere near either one of us, she shot me a disgusted look and spat… “You can dive for them you know!”
I looked at her doe-eyed and said nothing.
Sometime later she called the ball “I got it, I got it.” So I moved; every sport I have ever played I got it means I got it, and if you haven’t “got” it then it’s all on you. She missed and began screaming “Get it Sonya, get it Sonya!” I stopped dead in my tracks, turned toward her and hissed with a voice I have never used, as if it was literally coming from the pits of hell and if it were a cartoon my face would have turned red, the scene would have turned black and my hair would have been on fire “Stop telling me what to do!” My volume hushed to make it that much more creepy, and that my friends’ was the first time I realized this woman brings the devil out of me.
At the actual volleyball game (that we epically lost and Eden’s brother blamed her and myself entirely for, though we were only allowed to play one game (as well as my friend Beryl who didn’t get to play a single game)), I found out they had practiced many times over for the tournament. The hot guy from work asked me where I had been for all the practices and Eden tried to put her arm around him and spat “Yes where were you?!”
“Probably working on a killer paper for school.”
“Oh, yeah how did that paper go by the way?” Her brother asked, hanging off my every word. Game set match, bitch.
Last month we did a companywide building tournament and once again Eden was invited. Any job Beryl and I did, Eden would be right there “outdoing us.” Outdoing us consisted of her rapidly breaking down boxes, in a frantic uncontrolled way that made everyone around her feel on edge (or like sucker punching her in the back of the head), she would then slam the contents of the box on the floor in front of her, yes honey you have done a great job slamming shit around now let the adults take over and you can lay down for nap time.
When all was built a photographer came around to get the group’s photo, she stood in the corner with her arms crossed and loudly exclaimed “I am not actually part of the group, so I will just stand over here.”
To which I wanted to respond shut the fuck up, but what I said was “Just get in the photo, you did the work right?”
She blissfully trotted over and stood behind Beryl and I. Beryl and I decided to sit down while the photographer explained how he wanted us to situate ourselves, so that our building and our people all made it into the shot. Eden yelled to some people on the other side of the building to stand on the same side as us, but the photographer explained that he wanted us to be on either side of the structure.
I asked Beryl in a way that made it really clear I wasn’t actually asking her anything “Didn’t the photographer say he wanted us to be set up THIS way?”
Beryl said “Yes, yes he did.” Eyeing Eden as if to say step off bitch.
Eden shrugged.
The photographer readied his camera and Eden whispered “Scoot back girls.”
Beryl obliged and I refused. I looked at Beryl for support but her little toosh had already moved nearly a half foot behind me. Eden whispered again “Move back.”
And then again from the pits of hell this sound came out of me, it was a sound I couldn’t have stopped had I tried, the sound of the world crushing in on me just because I have to do this small (bossy ass) request of Eden “UHHHHHHHHH” I said so loudly people in the next town over probably heard it. I moved back a millimeter and sat like a stone after that.
Yesterday I found out the company will be doing the volleyball tournament again soon. I have also discovered that anyone who associates with me on a regular basis has not been invited and all I can think is, thank my lucky stars I don’t have to hear Eden’s voice because I am pretty sure I would break her like a twig and not even bat an eye. Good luck losing guys and Eden don’t take too many balls to the face.
-ducksoup- 