New Crazy Coworker… China

Tags

card reader, chinese product, coworker, coworkers, culture, humor, know it all, life, thoughts

At work I ordered a card reader, as some of our computers are too old to accept all forms of disked communication. Everyone calls the card reader a different name and it is kept at my desk so that it never goes “missing.”

Coworker nick-named Wolf 2.0, because like his predecessor Wolf 1, he is always on the prowl for information with regards to people that he is not privy too, came over and asked me for the “computer hookupy thing.”
“Ahh the Chinese card reader?”
He looked at me like I had five heads, “Uh just because it says made in China doesn’t mean the language on the box is Chinese.”

WTF? Is it Japanese? I am not a history major or anything but I am pretty damn sure that no Japanese person is going to buy a Chinese product, in Japan. Nor vise versa.

Had he told me it was Mandarin and not Cantonese I would have been like, wow you are pretty knowledgeable, but to say that a product isn’t written in the language of a country it specifies coming from is pretty stupid.

Shocking Statement of the Day… Arrowhead Mountain Spring Water

Tags

arrowhead mountain, arrowhead water, blog, blogging, coworker, crazy, crazy coworker, high horse, humor, life, mountain spring water, nature, shocking statements, sole survivor, thoughts, water

First let me start by saying I do the inventory – ordering for work, second the Shocking Statements of the Day are always provided by the same person, who believes he is a manager, when in fact he is nothing more than a toadstool and just about as useful, and finally-most importantly water bottles are for the clients not the staff.

 

“Hey, this is going to sound stupid.”

Whenever you begin a sentence that way I have to strain to listen to you.

“Did someone specifically ask for the Arrowhead water?”

I sigh, because it was a mistake on my part… only I thought I had gotten higher end water than we typically do. I explained that we wouldn’t typically get that type of water.

“Oh, ok because I HATE ARROWHEAD WATER!”

I stare at him blankly almost disbelieving my ears.

“I know for a fact other people hate it too.”

I am sorry, how inconsiderate of me I forgot that Arrowhead Mountain Spring Water raped and pillaged your entire family… you are the sole survivor and now you go around setting everyone straight about the evil water bottle company that hides behind the façade that they wish to keep citizens hydrated.

Evil Water

They lurk in the shadows waiting for the vulnerable moment when one takes that first sip.

Shocking Statement of the Day… Dreads

Tags

blogging, comments, community, confessions, coworker, coworkers, david spade, george clinton, gossip, hairstyle, humor, journal, life, parliament funkadelics, space cadet, thoughts, work

Who just called?”

“Tyler Trees.”

“I worked with him at the bank! “ Coworker always finds a way to mention he worked at a bank… maybe it’s more impressive than I think, but I am pretty sure they just count money like the rest of the retail working world. “What do you think he looks like?”

I have no idea; I talked to the guy for ten seconds. Coworker continues to stand and stare at me so I say “I think he looks like a man?”

“He has dreadlocks down to his torso.”

I say nothing.

“He is a lot more professional than you would think.”

Wow bro, wow. You mean he’s more professional than YOU would think, since A. I never met the guy and B. I never once thought a person was unprofessional due to their hairstyle-cut.

While Gutter from PCU was a major space cadet he did end up getting George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelics to the party, thus saving “The Pit” from David Spade… Hair aside, I am cool with whatever gets the job done.

Shocking Statement of the Day… Lawyers

Tags

coworker, coworkers, humor, lawyer on call, life, statements

“Actually it is a great idea to have a lawyer on call… you never know when you might shoot someone.”

This statement was made in front of a coworker who had actually been shot.

In fact I do know when I will shoot someone and I typically steer clear of those situations.

My Coworker Thinks I am Mentally Handicapped

Tags

blog, coworker, humor, life, mental-health, writing

As a secretary one is expected to do all the little things that people deem “below them” which is fine, I wouldn’t have a job otherwise; however one guy that has that mindset also believes that I am too slow (in the brain not movement) to get the job done correctly.

 

“S-o-n-y-a, I       will need         a       h-o-t-e-l    for the night, as      well         as         a  car.”  Both facts were already written on the paper he handed me.

“Ok.”

“Can you             book the car            for   Monday morning at                9am, I will need it until                5pm the next day.”  He said even slower than before, these facts were also written at the top of the paper he had handed me.

I looked at his itinerary, he was to fly in Monday at 8:30am and out the next day at 5:30pm; I could have come up with those times for booking the car on my own, as well as the fact that he needed a hotel.  I shot him an angry look.

 

“S-o-n-y-a, it is no longer            D-a-y-l-i-g-h-t     S-a-v-i-n-g-s     t-i-m-e    you should e-mail     EVERYONE in the office to inform them.”    He smiled at me exuberantly, so proud that not only did he get to tell me what to do, but he was helping the masses in the process.

I walked away, seething.  A. he could e-mail people himself, and B. just cause he was a dinosaur that was unable to comprehend an hour difference didn’t mean anyone else in the office couldn’t either.  I sent his stupid e-mail and not one person responded back, because duh our clocks reset themselves, and we aren’t living under rocks.

 

“I need you to order some of these.”  He spat at me (not on purpose his jowls seem to promote spitting while talking).  He held up a clear three ring binder pocket divider.

“I just did the order, so I will have to put it on the next one.”  I said.

He looked rather disappointed “I need the clear kind, when you do.”

“Got it.”

“It will need to have these pockets; I put stuff in the pockets.”

“Got it.”

“Can you get a few; I will need more than one.”

“They sell them in a pack.”  I raise my eyebrows, as this conversation never needed to go this far.

“Well just make sure you get more than one.”

 

“S-o-n-y-a can you order me yellow printing paper?”

“Yes, on the next order.”  He always seemed to wait until after I ordered supplies to ask for more supplies.

“Get this color.”  He handed me a yellow post-it.

“Yellow.  Ok.”

“I think its canary yellow.”

“Will you be upset if you get another type of yellow?”

“No.”

Good God.

 

Yesterday he came up to me and without saying a word he handed me a note card… it read.

 

theses?

Waste of a card.

“Will you order me some of these?  They are called note cards.”

You don’t say!

“I use them to write notes.”  Maybe he is mentally handicapped.  “Get the kind that have the lines will you?”

“Like the one you just handed me?”

“Yes.”

 

This complaining is a moot point as he was let go late yesterday afternoon.  I must not have been the only person he talked to like their brain was going to explode at any moment.

Power Tripping Coworker

Tags

blogging, community, coworker, diary, humor, life, people, work

If you are not a manager but strive to be a manager, maybe you can take some tips from my power tripping coworker…

A. Assert your nonexistent dominance over others in the office.

“I don’t like my own handwriting so could you make file labels for me, but use the computer would ya?”  “Why yes, yes I do have a printer under my desk and two hands with which to type but I… I… need you to make the files.”

“When you get a moment, can you reorganize my desk and the printer area?  You are so much better at organizing than I.”

“I don’t have time to help with in office functions; I am just so busy today, as I am every day.”

DON’T FORGET TO REITERATE MISTAKES IN MANY WAYS SO THE IDIOT BELOW YOU UNDERSTANDS THEY ARE INCOMPETENT “It’s not a big deal (which means it is a big deal), but when I asked you to make me a file, you made two so I put documents in two different files and I just wanted you to know that happened, though it isn’t a big deal.  Once more, not a big deal, but you did make too many.”

B. Point out everything you do in the office, when you are doing it or just after you finished.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but I can carry a jug of water in one arm.”  (P.S. by the way so can I and left handed which is nuts since I am a twig and not left handed).

“I don’t know if you know, but I am the one who always has to find old job folders… it’s just that I don’t have time right now so they gave the job to you.”

“I am sure you have noticed I changed all the light bulbs in the establishment.”  Who would notice that and really?!

“I am sure you noticed the lines were supposed to be silver, but with my input they are green.”

C. Even assert nonexistent dominance over management.

“I will be unable to collect my laundry, would you be ever so kind as to pick it up for me.  I am just so busy today and you don’t seem to be doing anything.”

D. Claim outrageous things to be true.

“I need a new computer because I am just too fast for the computer I have now.”  Wtf?

“Can you make sure to book me a hotel in the good part of LA, because LA is in rap songs… and it’s in rap songs for a reason!”  WTF?

“I grew up too poor to have allergies.”  Whattttttttttttt?

“I didn’t grow up that way; you know getting nice electronics and stuff, so no I don’t have a MAC like you.  When the reasoning for the person (i.e. myself) owning a MAC has to do with a death in the family cover it up by saying.  Must be nice.”  YEAH.

NOTE THIS CAN INCLUDE PERSONAL LIFE:

“You know girls who dance like shaking their butts in the air?” (Yes that is how most girls, myself included dance) “This girl was dancing like that this weekend and I just went up behind her and knocked her around for a bit.”  Wtf did you just tell me you did?  “She loved it!”  No she didn’t.

“This weekend I went to Mexico and I threw around bales of hay… all the guys were looking at me like WOW look at the city boy go.”  No they weren’t.

“Sometimes girls just want an asshole you know?”  No. “So I learned you have to treat them like shit a little bit.”  Nope.

“I find it amazing that you are so close to your Mom… usually white people aren’t close to their families.  All of my friends haven’t seen their parents in a really long time, all of my friends who are white.”

“I never thought I would be working with an Asian again.”  Wow.

I can fly too.

E. If you could be in your late twenties still living at home that is preferable.

Claim that you help your parents often, expecting little to nothing in return. Do not mention the fact that you have no rent, no electricity bills, or the fact that your sister (for some reason) does your laundry.

Since you live at home, you can spend every waking moment in the office and complain when you have to come in on the weekends, when in reality you only come in to get away from the fact that you are 27 and still live at home.

F. Assume that since you work with someone you know everything about them… like you can see into their souls.  Just to give you a little more of that creep factor.  I’m not watching you at night from your front yard.

G. Pretend you need help with projects you don’t need help on.  Then call attention to the ineptitude of those that assist you.

“That guy is far too slow at writing his own name.”

“If I really needed help, he wouldn’t be able to assist me.”

“You should have emailed me if you knew this project I have put off till the last minute wasn’t going to be finished in time.”

“I didn’t think I had to babysit you, by giving you a deadline.”

He still hopes to become management, but maybe you will have success where he has failed.  If only one could pinpoint where he has gone wrong.