We Watched This Crap

Tags

action, comedy, dekota fanning, devil s advocate, dislike, drama, entertainment, fantasy, horror, humor, independent film, life, movies, oscars, personal, review, reviews, romantic comedy, science fiction

Ben’sBitter and I often bounce ideas off one another, and usually it’s about things that pretty much suck. For that we have decided to write a post about some of the worst movies we have seen and why they are so bad.

Worst Drama: (Ben)
Title: Devil’s Advocate
Synopsis: A hotshot lawyer gets more than he bargains for when he learns his new boss is Lucifer.

Reason: It shouldn’t need to be portrayed in movies for us to know that Satan is a boss. Most of us experience that firsthand. Also, a seemingly intelligent person played by Keanu Reeves (quite a stretch) would have figured out that their boss was Satan, when his office got really hot and his horns came out whenever he walked in the room.

Worst Drama: (Sonya)
Title: Man on Fire —- holy eff
Synopsis: I hardly remember; I think Denzel plays the body guard of Dekota Fanning, who was still in her cute little kid phase and not the current, I am a teenage (unbelievable) badass nonsense she has been playing. D.F. is an emotionally stable very well educated, proper girl despite the utter lack of parental give a shitness, and when she is kidnapped Denzel swoops in to save the day, as most would expect Denzel to do.

Reason: It is the same tired storyline we have seen from both actors time and time again, it was unnecessarily violent-boring-long and the only character I gave a shit about died in the end. I might have harder feelings toward it because while it had an R rating my lovely roommate decided to have her 8 year old daughter watch it with us. A movie about a girl that gets kidnapped from under her parent’s nose, and is practically murdered along the way. That’s a message you want to get across to your children. I can only protect you so much… if they want you, they will get you.

Worst Comedy: (Ben)
Title: Whipped
Synopsis: Three buddies meet with their married friend every week to discuss their boring lives and women. One lucky time they get together and realize that they are all in love with the same girl. Obviously, the girl is crazy and fancy free and capable of attracting the three strangest weirdoes in the world. The fact that she can even like a dud that wears yellow sweatpants in public tell you how realistic and inanely stupid this movie is.

Reason: Yellow sweatpants. When I was trying to remember what this movie was called I googled movie from 2000 that had a guy with yellow sweatpants. I barely remember anything about any of the characters because I was so busy groaning/sleeping/whining/laughing at the unintentional comedy that I wasn’t paying attention to any of the characters.

Worst Comedy: (Sonya)
Title: (of 2012) The Watch
Synopsis: Ben Stiller is a bit neurotic in this film, though I was inclined to like him (because it’s Ben Stiller), Vince Vaughn plays himself yet again, the fat kid from Grandma’s Boy brings his skinny funny-if not weird self into the mix and the only person I really connected with was the British Black Man who was essentially the only saving grace of the movie.

The basic premise is that Stiller’s a loser with no close friends; he is lying to his wife about his fertility (which is pretty stupid, it seems after years and years of trying and his wife going to multiple doctors appointments, she would have discovered at some point he wasn’t going to be able to… but for the sake of whatever let’s just perpetuate the stereotype that women are so desperate to get pregnant that they will overlook glaring details to the contrary). A coworker of Stiller is killed so he forms the Neighborhood Watch… it seems to take nine million hours for The Watch to really do anything, aliens show up in the middle of everything to really throw the story into gear, but by that point in time everyone in the town could have died and the audience would have still been bored.

Reason: I strained to pay attention. Anytime my phone lit up, I jumped at the chance to be remotely
entertained.

More flashy flashy blowy upy please, if you are going to make a mind numbingly stupid movie… commit to it.

Worst Action: (Ben)
Title: Volcano
Synopsis: Imagine a world where a volcano was so powerful that it threatened to destroy Los Angeles.

Reason: First off, a volcano so strong that it could destroy the city of Los Angeles. Where would this supposed Volcano come from? The La Brea tar pits? Apparently so. But the pure nonsense of the movie was second only to the most awkward on screen couple ever put together; Anne Heche and Tommy Lee Jones. Seriously seeing them at the end of the movie, do kind of a hug/kiss makes me laugh inside with the unintentional comedy. Outrageous and those who put those two together deserve to be burned with hot lava.

Worst Action: (Sonya)
Title: Catwoman
Synopsis: I am really unsure. I always thought that Catwoman was kind of a douche, she treats Batman like shit and steals stuff. She never needed her own movie, but I understand that people want to see Halle Berry in a tight fitting spandex suit, because S&M sells my friends. It just doesn’t really translate to the audience it is geared toward. Maybe this should have been a straight to DVD and sold as soft core porn so it wouldn’t get the rating -1 out of 10.

Anyway it’s about a woman who is stupid gorgeous, but gets treated like utter crap by everyone in her life, until one day she ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. The only logical thing that could happen is she is brutally murdered by some scummy thugs, but never fear a shit ton of feral cats save her (or take over her body I am not really sure)… some really boring stuff ensues and Berry is the victor in the end.

Reason: The movie was tedious and pointless, also where the hell was Batman?

Worst Horror: (Ben)
Title: Wicker Man
Synopsis: A sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there is a larger mystery to solve among the island secretive, neo-pagan community.

Reason: I feel bad for putting this one on the list, because I have not seen it, but all you have to do is see a highlight of it to know that it is unintentionally funny and worst horror movie ever. The funny part is that Nicolas Cage probably played it straight.

Worst Horror: (Sonya)
Title: Donnie Darko
Synopsis: WTF I have no fucking idea… I hated every moment of it.
Reason: WTF did I just watch?

Worst Science Fiction/Fantasy: (Ben)
Title: Island of Dr. Moreau
Synopsis: A dude stranded on an island with a psychotic dude that combines animals with people.

Reason: I had to sit through it. I went to see this movie because all the other ones were sold out and the annoying people with me thought it would be a good idea. I was writhing in pain more than the mutant animal hybrid things. They worshipped this guy that was human but more freakish looking than the mutants. I noticed on Rotten Tomatoes that 23% of the critics and 26% of the people that watched it liked it. Their punishment should be being sent to this island and watch this movie with all the mutant animal people.

Worst Science Fiction/Fantasy: (Sonya)
Title: Sucker Punch
Synopsis: A girl who is sent to the crazy ward is determined to get out, because she is in fact not crazy at all. Within the Ward she meets many other girls that are also not crazy and they devise a plan to escape. The girls in the Ward are all attractive and are being used as strippers or sex objects (it is unclear), whatever it is they don’t like it and they are willing to kill in order to get away from the life.

The movie boasts about the lead (Emily Browning) being the best dancer in the world, but the audience only gets to see the beginning of her dance, which is really just Browning swaying from side to side as if she were high and waiting for Woodstock to start up again. Browning’s dance supposedly captivates everyone in the vicinity, and would somehow transport all the girls to a fantasy land where they had to fight off a bunch of unbelievable shit, to better themselves in the real world.

Reason: Did any of this really happen? Was it all in the main character’s imagination? Was she really a good dancer? Why did they have to wear such small clothing to fight off imaginary villains? Did Browning stab someone in the neck because he really was a bad guy or was she batshit crazy? The movie leaves the audience with many questions, and the answers don’t suffice for any type of real storyline. About twenty minutes in to the movie I decided to fast forward through the fantasy sequence because it was drawn out, boring, did nothing for the story, and I just wanted to see Browning actually dance. My life was altered in no way from having seen this movie, except for the two hours of it that I will never get back. I feel that way every time I see a movie that stars E. Browning. (A Series of Unfortunate Events my ass… a series of events one could care less about and wonder how Jim Carrey (aka The Mask and Ace Ventura) could have fallen so far should have been the title of Browning’s (first?) movie).

Worst Romantic Comedy: (Ben)
Title: Mr. Wrong
Synopsis: A single and lonely woman finds a seemingly perfect man to date, but soon regrets it when his deranged Jeckyl and Hyde personality comes out. Comedy ensues because no one else seems to be able to see his other side.

Reason: Mrs. Wrong should have been the title. Comedy didn’t ensue, because Ellen was trying her best to seem like she was interested in men and failing miserably. If she was a decent enough actress should would have been able to convince us that she cared about men at all. Also, it wasn’t funny or romantic. At least one of the above should apply as this is a romantic comedy.

Worst Romantic Comedy: (Sonya)
Title: 27 Dresses (AKA Super Desperate 20 Something Chick Who is Way Too Hot (in real life) to Even Give a Shit She is Single)
Synopsis: A woman (Katherine Heigl) is perpetually single and all of her like minded – same age friends are getting married, to add insult to injury she is always asked to be the Maid of Honor (why she doesn’t just say no, is never explained. Could she really be best friends with all of these people… 27 to be exact, and best enough that they give her the highest honor in each wedding?). Her sister gets engaged to her boss, which Heigl has been madly in love with for years (again Heigl is hot, and it makes no sense that she would be pining after a man that could give two shits about her). At the same time Heigl meets a journalist that wants to do an expose on the amount of times she has been a Bridesmaid and they fall in love, but not without some bumps along the way.

Reason: The story was unbelievable, the characters unrelatable, the message stereotypical, and the ticket nonrefundable.

Worst Independent Film: (Ben)
Title: Flying By
Synopsis: A real estate developer decides to go to this 25th high school reunion without his wife, and find his old teenage band playing. They get him up on stage for a couple of songs and convince him to go to a rehearsal. His wife is outraged because he does. His kid thinks he is cool, his mother thinks he needs it for stress relief.

Reason: Billy Ray Cyrus cannot act. He is not funny. He has no depth. His biggest talent is music and he is terrible at that. He cannot even have a non annoying famous child. Somehow the wheels of justice have spun so far toward this family that a meteor will hit their family home while they are jamming on music and it will only crush them enough to make them the first vegetables that are able to remember every pain they have ever felt for eternity. Also no chemistry between him and Heather Locklear.

Worst Independent Film: (Sonya)
Title: 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days aka 4 luni, 3 saptamini si, 2 zile
Synopsis: 4,3,2 is a film set in Romania, about two female roommates in college who have to do whatever it takes to get one of them an abortion. Set in a time when abortion was banned in Romania (which is the same time frame it was banned everywhere), it is a raw view of what women had to go through before “choice.” The pregnant one gets her roommate in dangerous situations that make little to no sense and by the time she has the abortion, both woman have had unprotected sex with a total stranger as part of their payment for the procedure.

The movie is shot with grainy film and the most captivating scene should be the shot of the fetus, but it was completely unnecessary and anyone who has seen BodyWorlds, or BodyWorks, or knows what a fetus looks like would just be offended by the alien being depiction of this superfluous element. In the end the girls throw the fetus in a trash can, and go to dinner like nothing happened. Are you fucking kidding me? Just a normal everyday baby massacre, oh I think I will hold off on the veil today, my tummy is a little testy right now.

Reason: I liked my first roommate in college, she was the only female roommate I ever got along with, but I would surely not have sex with a stranger for her to get a procedure done because she made a huge mistake (I wouldn’t even help her when she was being tickled by her boyfriend and repeatedly screamed my name to assist her). It is far from a reality I know, and the fetus thing just pissed me off.

****

Let us know what you think… what are your least favorite movies and why.  Also if you liked any of the above movies we would love to know why!